March 24, 2013
Beaver Butt Juice
Springtime is near, the season when love begins to blossom and when a young man’s fancy lightly turns towards love.
Perhaps this young man who, for the sake of the following article we’ll refer to as Jackson, meets a beautiful young lady who catches his eye.
And let’s say, for the sake of a story, that this young man decides to pursue this young lady, ask for her phone number, and take her on a few dates. Jackson and the unnamed young lady are really hitting it off…taking spring strolls through the park, delighting in the frolicking squirrels, and of course, taking frequent visits to the local FroYo place.
(It’s what you do when you’re dating.)
Jackson always pulls himself the same mixture: sweet cream yogurt with strawberries and a peanut butter topping. (Don’t knock it till you try it.)
Our lovely flower of a young woman has dabbled with a few different flavors (no entendre), but has landed on her favorite mix: raspberry yogurt with marshmallows.
Are you still with me? Cause this narrative is about to get good.
One warm Saturday Jackson and our princess decide to catch a movie. Being a young and fancy-free couple, Jackson and his best gal decide to stop by their favorite FroYo stand for a quick treat.
“I’ll just look up the movie times while we’re having our yogurt,” Jackson explained as he drove down Main Street to their yogurteria, and the object of his affections had no qualms with this plan.
With their yogurt poured, weighed and paid for, the couple found a table on the patio underneath the tree. The same tree where once, on a dare, Jackson carved their initials into the bark. “JS+JD=♥.” Jackson had always been a romantic.
Taking a first bite of her raspberry and marshmallow treat, our young lady comments to Jackson about how perfect the day has been so far.
She mentioned the beautiful weather, how she loved the spontaneity of randomly deciding to go to the movie and, most of all, getting to spend time with her main squeeze, Jackson.
The raspberry yogurt, she said, was just the perfect cap off to the most wonderful day.
She gently lifted another bite of raspberry yogurt to her lips, slurped just a bit from the spoon, and lightly twirled the spoon between her fingers.
It was at this moment when she noticed Jackson had just gone ghostly white with a horrified look on his face.
She asked him what was the matter, what had he read on his phone while he was looking for movie times.
“I’ve just gotten an email from my grandfather,” said Jackson. “One of those terrible forwards.”
Our heroine asked why he was so upset about a silly forward. After all, her grandfather was always sending him outlandish forwards that contained more nonsense than factual inaccuracies. Jackson received these emails so often that he had developed the habit of immediately visiting snopes.com to prove what he already knew.
It was after he visited snopes.com that he became petrified.
He looked at his lovely lass with absolute terror as she slowly ate her raspberry yogurt, enjoying it with the purest of joy.
“My grandfather sent me an email warning about a food additive called Castoreum. According to the email, Castoreum is a secretion from the gland of a beaver near their butts. It’s often used in perfume, but the FDA also says it’s safe to use as a food additive. I didn’t believe him, so I checked snopes.com and it’s quite true.”
“So what kind of foods do they add Castoreum to,” asked his beautiful vision of a lady. It was at this moment that Jackson noticed that she had somehow managed to devour the entire bowl of raspberry yogurt with marshmallow topping. She was wiping the last bit from the sides of her petite mouth.
“Well, mostly…raspberry flavorings and…” he paused here, noting her dropping her hands in sudden disbelief, “yogurt.”
Image Credit: Yulia Avgust / Shutterstock