Butter-Covered Inmate Attacks Guards Over FA Cup Final
June 8, 2014

Butter-Covered Inmate Attacks Guards Over FA Cup Final

Even though it’s not my personal cup of tea, it’s fairly common knowledge that many people get excited over sports. That’s not really news to anyone. Whether it’s friendly (or not so friendly) rivalries, excited fist pumping, waving giant foam fingers, partying in the streets, or stampeding in the stands loud enough to register on the Richter scale, most people have a favorite way of celebrating victory or lamenting defeat. Some are certainly more extreme than others, but one inmate at Full Sutton Prison in York, England may have just taken the cake. A butter-soaked, near-hallucinatory cake.

The inmate’s name is Charles Bronson, though he was born Michael Gordon Peterson (were it the deceased American movie star, this story would have a very different focus). After he found out that Arsenal defeated Hull City in the Football Association Challenge Cup (often just called the FA Cup) in the most recent game at Wimbley field, he did what any logical, red-blooded sports fan would do: smothered himself in a Danish butter called Lurpak and dashed into the prison yard, whereupon he promptly attacked 12 prison guards.

But that’s not even the whole story. It’s likely that he was already looking for a way to let loose some of his frustrated, pent-up energy, but what sent him over the edge was nothing other than … a cloud. According to the 61-year old man, he saw the likeness of notorious gangster Ronnie Kray up in the sky. This cloud-face supposedly told him to “let ‘em have it.” According to the Independent, he described the event in a letter he later wrote to the gangster’s ex-wife, Kate:

“I’ve had another rumble. This time with a dozen riot mob on the yard! Obviously I had my reasons and I’d sooner swallow teeth than my pride. Sadly I came off worst – got smashed up ribs. It was sunny! A scorcher! Arsenal was playing Hull. I so wanted Hull to win, coz I’m Spurs. I got Lurpak and spread it on thick. Then a small cloud appeared. I swear I see Ron’s face. It was eerie. Go on son, let ’em have it!”

Which he did, earning a broken rib in the process, despite his defensive buttering-up.

Bronson was first arrested back in 1974 after attempting an armed robbery at a post office. Since then, he has spent only four months out of prison. I suppose that’s what happens when you re-enter society and begin destroying property, taking hostages, and assaulting people. Of these forty years, thirty-six of them have been spent in solitary, which honestly might explain why he’s seeing faces in the clouds and covering himself in foreign butter.

While it wouldn’t seem his stints in prison have done much for rehabilitation, one could argue that they’ve at least given fuel to his creativity. During his time in prison, Bronson has become an avid artist, earning up to £1,000 for some of his pieces, which are displayed in various galleries around London. As of yet, none of these paintings depict his buttery prison guard assault, but one can always hope.

Image Credit: Thinkstock

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