Captain Obvious News: More Sex Makes You happy!
May 7, 2013

Captain Obvious News: More Sex Makes You Happy!

Well, DERP! If you haven’t discovered it by now, or if you just lack listening skills when your friends are having a round table discussion on Jack’s wife’s breasts, then you should listen up. Tim Wadsworth relates your sex drive to your ability to have money, a factor that he considers a form of materialistic well-being to hold in comparison to everyone around you.

The best way to picture it is by giving you a scenario. Mr. Horny has sex about 13 times a week, a number that he can hardly manage to count since he failed to pass the third grade. But Mr. Horny’s sex drive is the only thing that he has going for him, and that single aspect of his life ensures that he’ll be living a long and prosperous life. Well, maybe not so prosperous as anyone who has a job, but Mr. Horny is doing well for himself.

How can a man with no income, no aspirations or goals, or an IQ higher than 35 succeed in lively happiness? For starters, Mr. Horny is knocking boots with his lady, Ms. Oblivious, every night. The couple is, for all intents of stimulating your imagination, homeless. Again, these two have absolutely no aspirations for dreams and goals. However, they’ve had enough sex in the past two weeks to make a bunny rabbit seem like a sad, sad creature on this planet.

This doesn’t matter to all of the guys at poker night, because they’re all having a delightful amount of sex with their wives. However, you haven’t gotten lucky with your wife Karen in almost a month. For most couples, this is normal. But the contrast of sexual activity between Mr. Horny and yourself can’t be ignored. In fact, his sex drive is a leading benchmark that serves as an example for your sexual needs.

In other words, if you see that someone is having more sex than you, you’re more likely to feel saddened by your life in contrast.

Wadsworth regards sex as relatable as money, an otherwise materialistic form of self-confidence. If you have more money than someone, then you’re more likely to feel like a badass. Likewise, if you have less money in your life than someone around you, you’re more inclined to feel a bit of emptiness in your life.

Does Wadsworth regard sex as a materialistic form of currency? Not so much. Money simply has the ability to appeal as a healthful benefit, for both your partner and yourself, while also serving as a benchmark for how you’d like to live your life. What he means to say is that everyone wishes they were having sex like Mr. Horny and Ms. Obvious.

My hat’s off to you, Mr. Wadsworth, in a manner of speaking.

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