February 24, 2013
Dead Or Alive
I am not sure how this blog with be taken or if it will even be read, but oh well. Here it goes. I have wanted life to end for five years now, and I still have not gotten my request; even if I demanded it. I never could be good enough for anybody or myself.
Windex was too nasty; I couldn’t drink as much as I wanted and was left sick. Over doses on ibuprophen only made me sick. I have tried to drown myself and that almost worked but I panicked. I even hung myself from the bunk bed in college dorm room.
Sleep aid almost got me back in September. I had taken two bottles of a sleep aid, if I am correct I took 90-100 pills up to 3,000mg. All I did was hallucinate, sleep walk and talk for 48 hours straight. No eating, no drinking; and was walking weird because I was so out of balance with everything. My two roommates (bullies) had no clue that every weekend since August/September I started to overdose on medications and was attempting suicide. Nor that at night I could cut myself 20 times and cry myself to sleep and nobody knew.
I was seeing a counselor every week and a psychiatrist every two weeks, but never made it to the second session of my psych appointment, because I ended up in a two hospitals and stayed in one for a week and was sent home on medical leave. I have not been back to school since late October.
Now I have two jobs trying to make money, have applied for summer college classes, and am seeing a counselor and psychiatrist. The hardest part is knowing that you have caused a lot of debt because of your hospital bills, and mental help people, and trying to recover from self-harm. People who know what has really been happening in your life always worry about you and ask you questions. (I hate worrying people).
But because of all of these unfortunate events, I have been able to help out people not commit suicide, to talk them out of self-harming, and to stay strong. If I do not cut today I will have gone 138 days (as of February 21st), and that is pretty good. Now I get to talk to others about depression and mental illnesses.
I seem to do best when I can help others; but it can be hard sometimes when I do not want to do anything but hide in my room and play on the computer with ear buds in my ears.
(Lyrics from Stand in the Rain) “She never slows down. She doesn’t know why but she knows that when she’s all alone, feels like it’s all coming down. She won’t turn around. The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down”
I am just so ready to get over all this and get better. I just wish it did not take so long.
Stay Strong <3
Image Credit: Dora Zett / Shutterstock