Dear Stoners: We Love You. Sincerely, Jack In The Box
July 19, 2013

Dear Stoners: We Love You. Sincerely, Jack In The Box

Remember those KFC Famous Bowls?

The ones with chicken strips, corn, mashed potatoes and topped with a “three-cheese blend” and gravy?

At the time, it seemed the Colonel released these things partly on a dare and partly because he wanted comedians to start talking about his brand.

And talk about it they did. If you haven’t yet, catch Mr. Patton Oswalt’s (NSFW) thoughts on what he calls a “sadness bowl in a failure pile.”

As a side note: The KFC still offers the Famous Bowl (famous for what, exactly, we’ll never know) under the “Classics” headline, right next to the pot pie.

Go ahead and wrap your head around that one.

Jack in the Box has now joined KFC and reigning champion Taco Bell in the gluttonous fast food game of chance, stacking bacon on top of cheese on top of ham on top of two eggs on top of sausage on top of cheese, and all sandwiched between two waffles. The sandwich is appropriately, if not yawningly, named the “Big Waffle Stack” and is more or less the unholy union of the regular Waffle Breakfast Sandwich and the Jumbo Breakfast Platter. In other words, in a stoned and confused panic, Jack ordered both the platter and the sandwich and then came up with the brilliant idea to marry the two.

This entire battle between fast food chains is pretty comical, especially if you realize who their customers are…but I don’t want to get into that yet. Let’s take a look at the stats first, because there’s plenty of mining for gold to be done in these numbers.

Jacks’ Big Waffle Stack tips the scales at 655 calories. Only one other item on the breakfast menu, the Steak and Egg Burrito, has a higher calorie content at 778.

Talk about a bomb.

And I truly don’t mean to be a buzzkill here, but if calories mean anything to you and you’re a fan of Jack, you might not want to take a look at the nutrition content of their burgers, particularly the Jack’s Big Stack.  Just saying.

Of the 655 calories in the Big Waffle Stack, 416 are from fat, which makes sense considering this thing carries more meat than the German rugby team. The cholesterol ticks in at 520 mg cholesterol and 1717 mg of sodium, so you know, about what you’d expect. There’s also a mere 7 grams of sugar, which is surprising given the two maple waffles cuddling this behemoth.

But let’s get real here, dear reader.

We all know why food products like this exist, right? Of course it’s senseless and stupid to mix and entire meal into a bowl just to cover it with a “three-cheese blend.” Of course it’s nonsense to squeeze two eggs, three meats and formulated American cheese between waffles, the kindest and most perfect gift the Dutch have ever given us.

It’s so clearly farcical to make a taco shell out of an artificially flavored corn chip. Even in my most pessimistic moments, I believe that we, as a people, can at least admit that these food stuffs are nothing short of ridiculous.

So why do KFC, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell and more continue creating these gut wrenching cacophonies of components which resemble food products?

Because stoners will eat anything, and it’s hilarious.

Jack in the Box actually isn’t too shy about who they’re selling to. Just watch some of their commercials. Taco Bell, on the other hand, talks up to the stoners a bit and portrays their ideal customers as responsible contributors to society and the global community. They’re always good looking, always well dressed, and always living in an apartment that seems more expensive than their paycheck would allow.

It’s kind of like New Girl in that way.

I’m in no way saying stoners are terrible, filthy people who can’t afford nice things, but at least Jack’s commercials pitch their food as stuff you can eat late at night after a few bowls rather than  patting their egos on the back and saying “Don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing’s gonna be alright.”

As I sit here and type, the Big Waffle Stack looming on my screen amongst the bright colors of a tie-dye backdrop (come on…) I’m of two minds: you’d either need to be incredibly adventurous to try this stack of fat and salt (maybe you think Deep-Fried Twinkies are orgasmic) or just really, incredibly, on-the-moon stoned.

If KFC’s Famous Bowls are a failure pile in a container of sadness, the Big Waffle Stack appears to be a shame stack on a bastard waffle.

I’m not one to judge, and I myself have had the thrill of waking up in the morning surrounded by the empty wrappers of things I had eaten the night before.

If this does look like something truly amazing (or if you’re completely out-of-this-world blazed), then give it a shot.

Until then, stay tuned for my new segment called “Vegetarian Versus Stoner Food.”  I’m willing to do it for you, the reader, even though it will cost me my membership in the Angry Vegetarian’s Club and, most likely, a third of all normal healthy heart functions.

Image Credit: Jack in the Box

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