February 14, 2013
Destruction (Part 1)
There are several different forms of self-harm or self-mutilation. There is cutting/carving, burning, tattooing and/or body piercing. There are other forms, of course.
If you read my first blog, you know that I have cut myself since at least 11th grade, and head banged since I was 2 years old. I do not cut anymore, but I do get the urges sometimes and have to power through and stay strong. The newer habits I have picked up last year is digging my nails into my skin and pulling back, leaving marks and moon shapes on my arms. I also picked up needle pricking and sticking a needle in me.
I know these new self-harm tricks are not good either, but I am not doing that damage to myself. My psychiatrist and counselor have given me several ideas, like wearing a rubber band or hair band around my wrist and when I feel the need I could just pop it.
Some of you who have never self-harmed are probably asking, why do it then if it is not good for you? I can give you several reason self-harmers do this. We do not know how to express our emotions; we feel angry, sad, and troubled. For some, it is a way to manage anxiety, fear, or pain. Mostly, is to get the pain we feel inside to the outside; to actually feel alive and not just like the living dead. We already feel dead, like what else is there to do besides wait to die.
Self-mutilation is more along the lines of someone getting more than one tattoo or body piercing simply to feel the pain, or to feel anything. They will go so far as to cover their whole entire body, where every crevice is covered in tattoos, or every patch has a body piercing.
This is not a regular addiction; this is a damaging addiction that can destroy your life. This is not your typical person with a belly button ring and a few tattoos on their arm, or a even skillet burn on their arm. This is self-injury; done on purpose to relieve pain, or even to punish one self.
I cannot count how many times I have punished myself. I felt like I deserved what I did to my body. Sometimes I would cut words into my skin like fat, stupid, worthless, help.
Anytime you feel like cutting or doing any type of self-harm, I would like you to take a marker or pen and draw lines. You may have 3 lines or 20, depending on how much you feel like harming yourself. But you may notice you are not drawing so many lines after a while. You do not feel the need to hurt yourself. If you have a place to write, you can put how many days you are clean. It can be done. I know because February 12, 2013 (the day I write this) is day 129 days of no cutting. Now if I can stop the needle sticking it will be great.
Stay Strong <3
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