February 10, 2013

Did Someone Say Venti Java Chip Frapuccino?

Hi there.

May I get a little personal with you, pull back the curtain a bit, maybe share a bit of my story with you?

Let’s light some incense, maybe pour ourselves some herbal tea?

Let’s rap.

As you may or may not know, I once spent many years slinging joe to the stars, presuming of course that one defines “the stars” as the harried corporate stooges of the greater North Texas Metroplex.

In my years and years of experience, I have seen many interesting things. There, from behind my push-button espresso machine and Drive-Thru window, I saw the lives of others play out, each of them carrying out their lines in this great show we call life. At the center of this show, at least from my vantage point, was one common ingredient: Coffee.

At my peak, I was able to pinpoint a first date within seconds of the guy or girl stepping inside the cafe. I could distinguish the difference between a mom dropping off her kids to spend their one weekend a month with dad and moms picking up someone else’s kid for sleepovers. (The sleepover moms always get out of the car.)

People take coffee for studying, for meetings, for breaking up, for catching up, for killing the time, for celebrating…people take coffee for a number of reasons, and I made it for them. It felt great, really. So, with all the real life experience I have with the bean, I can say with absolute certainty that there is at least ONE thing that coffee is definitely not made for. And according to that new Shock Rock “reality” television show “My Strange Addiction,” one St. Petersburg, Florida couple strongly disagrees with me.

I kind of hate to bring this up, because I know this is exactly what TLC wants…for people to link to their Web site, for people to gasp and say “OMG, I can’t believe they do that!” Then maybe these people tune in…then maybe they end up having a strange addiction themselves, if you catch my drift. Yet, here we are…me halfway through this piece and you wondering where I’m going with this lengthy preamble.

In an upcoming episode of My Strange Addiction, one Florida couple will explain how they can’t — they just CAN’T — live without brewing a pot of coffee every day, dumping it into a 32 ounce metal bucket with a tube attached, then lubing up the tube with Vaseline brand petroleum jelly and inserting it into their colons, all in the name of “cleanliness.” ABC News interviewed the couple, who say they cannot leave the house for more than five hours, lest they get a killer craving for coffee. Neither of them drink the stuff, either, but they’ve become so addicted to either the feeling or the caffeine that they take coffee this way as often as they can. Once, the better half of the couple, known only as “Trina” (she didn’t want to give her last name…couldn’t imagine why) said she took as many as nine or ten coffee enemas in a 24-hour period. Right or wrong, that’s a lot of time dedicated to one person’s rectum. I think it’s safe to say that a majority of people find this either odd or disgusting. Clearly TLC is betting that their viewing public are made at least a little uncomfortable by this couple and their addiction, otherwise no one would tune in. Looking to make yourself just a little more uncomfortable? Take a look at some of the quotes ABC just so happened to use in their article about the stay-at-home couple. For instance, the entire piece begins with: “Mike and Trina swear by their coffee. He enjoys a “saturated” blend, which is “on the cold side”; she prefers a fine espresso grind that is “warm and thicker.”

That’s the freaky part,” Trina said, speaking about the point in the process when she begins inserting hoses into her orifices. “So I try to relax.” And who can blame her, really?

And once she’s all hooked up? “I even play Sudoku,” she said. I’ll leave you with this quote from Trina’s boy toy, who also enjoys the coffee enemas. “I make a quick transition from the floor to the toilet seat…It comes flying out like a torrent.”

Image Credit: amenic181 / Shutterstock

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