Eat Your Boogers For A Healthier, Sexier You!
May 3, 2013

Eat Your Boogers For A Healthier, Sexier You!

It’s the question you’ve always been too scared to ask:

“Can I boost my immune system by eating my boogers?”

It’s a question that Canadian biochemistry professor Scott Napper asks his first year science students at the beginning of every school year. The point of the question, says Napper, is to get these daft teenagers to begin thinking and questioning rather than scribbling down notes as he lectures.

But come on, Napper…

You can’t ask question like that without the Internet hearing about it and turning it into headlines like “Booger Burgers Boost Immune System,” or “Booger Eating 101, More Than Just a Tasty Treat!”

In an interview with Canadian news source CBC, Napper does more than admit that he’s thought about the health benefits of eating his own cliffhangers; he also carefully plants that special kind of ticking time bomb that only a parent can lay down.

Watch as Napper deftly ensures his brood never bring their dates home:

“I’ve got two beautiful daughters and they spend an amazing amount of time with their fingers up their nose,” said Napper.

“And without fail, it goes right into their mouth afterwards. Could they just be fulfilling what we’re truly meant to do?

That, my friends, is what they call two birds with one stone.

Though Napper insists he only asks this question to get kids thinking outside of the box, he does have a point with which to defend his position.

It might not be a good point, but it’s a point, I suppose.

We’ve heard before about those overly protective parents who end up doing more harm than good by trying to protect their young ones from any sort of bacteria, pathogen, or speck of dirt, no?

According to Napper’s theory, perhaps eating boogers is a way to take little immunization boosters throughout the day, giving the body little specks of dirt and bacteria in order to help it fight off some of the bigger stuff.

It’s sort of like the flu shot, giving the body a small taste of the flu so it can learn how to better fight it off.

Here’s the semi-gross part about Napper’s theory:

He believes that the “sugary” taste of saliva is a cue to children to go ahead and get to licking, rewarding them for doing something good for their bodies.

Ah, but if that’s the semi-gross portion of the story, get ready to be thoroughly repulsed.

The only way to test Napper’s Nappy Theory (patent pending) is to, you know, get people to eat their boogers. Napper has already mapped out how he’d do it, too.

“All you would need is a group of volunteers. You would put some sort of molecule in all their noses, and for half of the group they would go about their normal business and for the other half of the group, they would pick their nose and eat it.”

Apparently Napper has already had people approach him, willing to get this study going.

In my head these people have approached him at some University fund raiser with their fingers half way up their nose and a few sparse green specks on their left shoulder.

Let that mental image sink in.

From the looks of it, Napper isn’t really going to go through with this study. Again, he just wants his students to start using their brains.

Besides, an American doctor from an American University has shot down Napper’s theory, saying humans naturally swallow nasal liquids all day and night without realizing it. This means if there were some sort of immunity-boosting benefit to boogers, we’d all have it without even trying.

Perhaps the headlines should read something like: “Don’t bother picking your nose, you already do it in your sleep.”

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