October 5, 2012

Getting A Hard-On On Dishonesty

It’s hard to be honest.

Here, I run the risk of getting caught in a sundry of deep, philosophical rabbit holes with numerous traps, potholes and shaky walls. The very notion of “Universal Truth” in and of itself is enough to incite a riot, and if society has trouble agreeing on this one, seemingly philosophically fundamental issue, how can we expect to be honest with even ourselves?

Yes, honesty is a tricky thing.

Therefore, we engage in all manner of dishonesty with great frequency, maybe as many as several times an hour. More than just a tool of trickery or a way to “get ours” or deceive a gullible party, we humans use this untruth as a cloak, a shield, a way to put up pretense and convince others that we are something other than that which we are.

There are two very interesting pieces on the British side of the web this week concerning addiction; Namely, addiction to Viagara and pornography. Tanith Carey with the Daily Mail’s “Femail” column writes a story about a young man who claims he is addicted to Viagara and cannot have a satisfactory sex life without the little blue pills. Daniel Atkinson, 32, says he first popped his Viagara cherry as a 20-year old on holiday with friends in randy Amsterdam. He enjoyed his marathon-style romp that he began taking it more frequently, first with a prescription and now through some shady Spanish channels. He now claims he has trouble performing without the pill, spending up to £1,000 a year on his supply and takes up to six tablets a week.

Psychosexual counsellor Raymond Francis speaks up in the piece, saying he’s seeing more and more young men opt to take these performance enhancing drugs because they think women expect more from them in bed. But where would these men get this wacky notion?

Pornography, of course.

And as these men watch these couples and threesomes and foursomes bang on for upwards of an hour and a half, they get the idea that this is what women want. Anything less is simply unacceptable.

When these men do meet strong, independent women who aren’t afraid to express themselves sexually, just as women are often displayed in pornography, these men either shut down or fall back on pills. Or so says Carey.

Dr. Brooke Magnanti does a thorough job of tearing down this argument, piece by piece, in her article in The Telegraph. Dr. Magnanti’s point— and it’s a rather well made one— is that we, as a society, have become addicted to calling out addictions.

Calling it a “habituation” instead, Dr. Magnanti points out that no scientific papers and no peer reviewed journals were cited in the Daily Mail piece to prove men could actually be addicted to Viagara, quoting only the Psychosexual counsellor instead. As for the porn addiction? If this “addiction” can be blamed on a flood of chemicals to the brain, she writes, then we must all be addicted to our toilets as well.

Dr. Magnanti also tears down the “expressive women” argument in the Daily Mail, saying so succinctly, “If men didn’t want that, I can assure you porn would not feature it.”

So, there’s the argument going on between two ladies across the pond.

The real trouble here, however, (and I’m sure these blogesses won’t approach the issue thusly…damn my romantic spirit) is an issue of honesty.

These men, these young, supposedly virile guys who want to be the provider of every woman’s sexual fantasies, are choosing to hide behind a tiny blue lie. They’re also choosing to not look beyond the velvety veil curtain of pornography, viewing instead as real, hard truth, the way things are.

Of course, I’m not suggesting men begin courting a woman with their chests laid bare, sharing with them their deepest, darkest secrets in an attempt to give the young lady the full story of what’s really “going on.”

No, our instincts and genetic makeup drive us to put our best foot forward when first getting to know someone who has caught our eye.

Every species in nature engages in some sort of ritualistic mating dance. Even the Bowerbird goes out of his way to pick fresh colorful flowers before be woos his lady. He doesn’t throw some sticks and rocks together before chirping, “Hey, it’s just the way I am, babe. Deal.”

But the men discussed in these two English pieces are discussing having trouble being intimate with their partners, their girlfriends, their close companions. These are ladies with whom they’ve entered into a trusting relationship with, and yet they still feel like they can’t perform without the drugs.

It’s a dangerous stance to take, admonishing others to honesty. After all, anyone who claims to be honest immediately becomes a hypocrite.

It is my opinion, however, that honesty remains the best policy. If these men, these so-called afflicted men who think they can’t perform in bed, satisfy their women, and still be seen as all-that-is-male, would simply be honest with themselves and with their partners, these issues could be significantly reduced.

Sexual health is an important aspect of any relationship, of course, but in committed and trusting couplings, this sex is less about the release and more about the embrace. There’s an inherent intimacy involved, a coming together, and if a lie is wedged between the2 naked bodies, true intimacy cannot be achieved.

It is my belief as a young, 30-year old with limited life experience, that these men should simply be honest with themselves, honest with their mate and honest with the world.

Love isn’t about going all night long, true self-worth isn’t about bringing down the walls with the staccatoed shrieks of multiple orgasms, and real intimacy can’t be achieved when you operate under the assumption that these things are true.

Be honest with yourself and the world. Take the time to talk to one another, to share with one another. Be smart and make sober decisions about who you open up your life to. Choose people you can trust.

After all, there’s no pill to achieve ultimate honesty, but if you just try, you might just find the satisfaction you’re looking for.

Image Credit: abio Berti / Shutterstock

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Plusone Digg Reddit Stumbleupon Email