November 13, 2012

Hit In The Crotch: A Ball-Busting Blog

It’s absolutely juvenile to derive so much pleasure out of another man’s misfortunes, especially when this “misfortune” comes at the expense of his crown jewels. Sure, there are funnier things to laugh at, more sophisticated jokes and spectacles. Yet, something deep inside us stirs up a one-two punch of wincing and laughter whenever we witness a blow to the crotch. Even worse, YouTube has this annoying little habit of suggesting similar videos, turning a one-off chuckle at a man falling from a ladder and landing squarely on his genitals into an hour long spree of videos titled “The Crotch Collection,” “Dad gets hit in the balls by his karate kid,” and “Nut check.”

And while we may spend little time contemplating just how many of these sophomoric videos exist online, it’s likely some doctors decided to dive a little deeper to understand why so many people (men in particular) are so prone to take a shot to the junk.

So, it is in this vein than I present to you a “comprehensive survey of genital inuries over the last decade involving mishaps with consumer products like clothing, furniture, tools and toys.”

Some background information: This study was conducted by doctors from the University of California, San Francisco and is the largest ever look at both major and minor injuries of the “genitourinary” persuasion.

(For those of you playing the “Funny Yet Very Real Scientific Word” bingo, you’re welcome.)

According to this ball-busting study, 142,144 Americans have been injured so badly in the crotchal region between 2002 and 2010, they’ve had to report to an emergency room. For those who aren’t quick at math, that’s 16,000 injuries in emergency rooms every year, on average.

The study also found some statistics that should come as no surprise to anyone with their eyes open. Let’s laugh along together at these results, much as we would while watching videos entitled “Ow my balls.”

As you might expect, these sort of genitourinary injuries occur more often to men. About 70% of those who reported to the emergency room with an injury to privates were male. (Parenthetically, this study doesn’t include injuries which weren’t reported to an emergency room, a note which caused the authors to say the study “underestimated” the extent of testicular injuries)

Of these men, more than a third were from the younger set, around 18 to 28 years old, who took one to the baby maker as a result of some sporting event or extreme mountain biking. It’s likely a safe assumption that a fair number of these young chaps hurt themselves emulating something they saw on TV from that Jackass show the kids once raved about.

The older men in the group (the ones more likely to say things like “That Jackass show the kids once raved about”) were more likely to bruise their peaches during normal, more boring activities, such as slipping when getting out of the bathtub, doing the splits, and landing squarely in the middle of the porcelain. While the younger guys were more likely to get a pack of ice and a few laughs from the nurses in the ER, it’s these older men who were more likely to be hospitalized for their ball trauma.

Though these doctors did decide to delve into the research and emerge with conclusions on their own free will (likely snickering the entire time) they claim they did have a good reason for doing so. Namely, these doctors want to see some consumer education and public safety measures being taken to prevent men from accidentally landing on handrails or running into waist-high objects.

One final note worth getting caught on; The study specifically calls out emergency room doctors, suggesting they learn how to perform some standard procedures which are becoming increasingly necessary, procedures such as “zipper detachment strategies for penile skin entrapment.”

Men, sometimes things are an accident, such as getting hit with an errant golf ball on the links.

But catching yourself in your zipper will always be your fault, and you deserve any shame derived therefrom.

Image Credit: Felix Mizioznikov / Shutterstock

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