Make Your Package A Little More Porky With Bacon Condoms
April 6, 2013

Make Your Package A Little More Porky With Bacon Condoms

Everybody loves bacon. Everybody. Period.

Make breakfast in bed a little more exciting with bacon condoms! Where’s the sausage and gravy? In your pants, of course.

Health conscious people prefer turkey bacon because it’s a little better for you. Vegetarians have their own made of egg whites, soybean oil, textured soy protein, and a ton of other autolyzed, guanylate, trypolyphosphate stuff that no normal person can identify.

Culinary artists have been crisping and crumbling it atop the finest of eats to make them just a notch better; they’re even coating it in chocolate and serving it as dessert. (I tried some last week, and it was much better than one would imagine.)

Simply put, bacon makes everything better, so why not sex?

That’s the very same question posed by Seattle’s own, J&D’s Foods.

They began making sex better using bacon in 2011 when they produced a novelty item, bacon lubricant. Intended as an “elaborate April Fool’s prank and was never intended to be a real product,” folks are eating it up; pun intended.

Apparently the product did so well it got them thinking: how can we make sex better-er with MORE bacon?

Enter bacon condoms. “Make your meat look like meat” is the product’s genius tagline.

They’re not actually made of pork, so the PETA folks can chill now. According to the Huffington Post, “The condoms are made of latex, and come coated with the company’s special brand of water-based lube.”

“In a phone interview with The Huffington Post, co-founder Justin Esch (the “J” in J&D’s Foods), said that he had the idea for the condoms a long time ago but didn’t have the confidence to try making them until the wild success of baconlube.”

They should be ready to ship in June of this year and will run you about $10.00 (USD) for a three-pack. A little pricey? Yes. Probably worth every red cent? You bet. Your wife will surely thank you.

Garlic, coffee, and menthol top the list of bizarre flavored condoms in my book, so why hadn’t anyone thought of bacon already?

Because they’re not as awesome as J&D’s Foods, that’s why.

Not only did J&D’s aim to make sex better with bacon, but they’ve made tons of other bacon flavored novelty items such as, Mmmvelopes (bacon flavored envelopes), bacon flavored lip balm, Baconnaise (bacon flavored mayonnaise), and bacon salt for topping everything else that should taste a little more like bacon.

Why, you may ask? Because bacon is the best thing since sliced bread. In fact, sliced bread was even quoted saying, “I want to be like bacon when I grow up.” It’s God’s gift to mankind – a salty, savory, crispy, crunchy, meat candy of divinity.

In closing, go eat some bacon, get some bacon condoms, and make sweet swiney love to your wife; but for God’s sake, don’t tell her it’s crunchy.

Image Credit: J&D’s Foods

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