September 26, 2013
Man Tries To Impress Girlfriend, Has Penis Amputated
Yet another man has made the crucial error in assuming that if a little is good then a lot more must be better.
A Columbian man named Polanía was trying to impress his girlfriend, as you do, and intentionally overdosed on Viagra. After walking around with an erection for several days, Polanía went to the hospital for pain. The doctors found the 66-year old’s penis to be fractured and infected with the earliest stages of gangrene. According to a report in the Independent, the Columbian doctors said they had no choice but to amputate the farmer’s “little helper.”
Polanía is reportedly recovering from his surgery rather well.
That’s about all the details available, but if you’re anything like me, you’re left with some questions.
An erection that lasts several days sounds painful, yes? But what happened to cause his penis to become fractured? Or is that simply something we don’t discuss in polite company?
Furthermore, and here’s where I rant, why in the world would a man think that taking multiple Viagra would impress a lady? At the worst, you’ll have an erection that lasts longer than four hours, and even then you’re supposed to see a doctor. Even if things go horribly, you’ll still be good for four hours, bro! How much longer do you think she’d be willing to let you work?
I think it might be a good idea for you to listen to a particular song on a particular Tenacious D album, sir.
But no, because you thought your girlfriend would be impressed by your days-long erection, (and not frightened to the very core like a sane person) you decided to overdose. While there are no unimportant parts of the human body, (with the exception of the tonsils, perhaps. Doctors are always ripping those things out) there are a few which are pretty darned important.
The lungs, for instance, should probably be taken care of so you can continue breathing for the rest of your life. Your heart also needs to continue pumping blood so you can continue to breathe.
Your brain must also be protected so as to keep you from making idiotic mistakes such as this one. Apparently ol’ Polanía let this one slide and made a terrible decision to stop looking out for another important part of the body.
I don’t say this as a man who believes his sense of self-worth or masculinity lies in his penis. I say this because part of the body’s natural function is to excrete waste. I have to imagine this becomes quite hard (pun intended) when your penis is surgically removed.
I’m also left with the question.
Now that Polanía only has two legs now, does he think the sex was worth it?
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