November 3, 2012

Movember: Sack Up and Grow a ‘Stache

Quick…what do Alex Trebek, Friedrich Nietzsche, Mark Spitz and Walter Cronkite all have in common? If you answered “A mustache,” you’re correct.

If you answered “A soup strainer,” “a Flavor Savor,” or “a Dirt Squirrel,” then you win 1,000 awesome points, transferable at any awesomeporium for awesomenities and copious high fives.
It brings me great joy to know that the Cookie Duster is having yet another day in our culture’s realm of consciousness. Once associated with misdeeds and misgivings, the moustache can today be grown either as an expression of irony or with genuine fervor.

In fact, you’ve probably seen a recent uptick in Face Furniture and the talk of curating and cultivating lip hairs to culminate into a luscious lip cap. The ‘stache has become such a cultural icon that it has officially taken over the month of November as many a man’s man (and those who wish they were) grow a Mouth Brow either for sport or the thrill of the tickle.

As a man who takes incredible pride in his facial hair (full beard, nothing less) I appreciate that other men are willing to give their upper lip a little love.

However, I’d like to take a minute to discuss this entire notion of Growing a Selleck and what it means to become all that is man.

This post is for the men, but ladies, listen closely.

First, have some pride in yourself, for the love of all that is holy. There will be a solid week to 10 days when you will look like an unshaven and unholy buffoon. This does not mean, however, that you must act like one. Continue to grow your mouser, to shape it as need be, and trim up any stray or run away hairs…Yes do all these things. But do not make a mockery of your efforts by using your poor excuse of a moustache as the punchline to every joke. We get it. You look like an idiot. We’re questioning your manhood based on your ability to grow hair. Yes, very funny. Now let’s move on.

Secondly, take some time to care for your Smoke Filter. Moustaches are like fuzzy little bunnies. If you don’t care for them, feed them, nurture them, they’ll hop away someday and likely get devoured in a gore-ific tangle of soft white and crimson at the paws of a predatory canine. I’ve seen it happen, and it was not pretty. No sir.

As I mentioned before, caring for your facial hair is a matter of pride. Yes, you will get food caught in your Nose Neighbor. If you’re man enough, your hair will grow so long that you notice a few stray follicles in your mouth from time to time. It’s a burden, sure, but it’s our cross to bear, our scars of pride which make us men. Keep it clean, keep it trim, and keep it Manly.

Finally, and this is really the most important of all, “Movember” isn’t some dumb ritual you keep with your frat buddies and slacking co-workers. Movember began several years ago as a way to raise awareness for men’s health issues, particularly prostate and testicular cancer. You know how you paid $5 to buy a bracelet with the word “Boobies” on it? At least you actually donated to a cause with your purchase.

(Oh, and aren’t you so daring, wearing a bracelet with THAT word on it. I bet Junior High you is just acne-ridden with jealousy.)

While there’s nothing wrong (and many things right) with growing a moustache for a particular month, if you claim to be participating in the Movember festivities, please do it the right way.

Men can register at and begin growing their moustaches for the entire month of November. While their hairs fight against gravity and other natural forces, these men are responsible for raising money for organizations such as the Prostate Cancer Foundation and LiveStrong. Last year, these brave men raised some $126.3 MILION by growing out their ‘Mo.

Movember is a great opportunity to do something great while having a great time and bonding together as men. Simply claiming to be a part of Movember without backing your words up with actions is like buying some stupid bracelet, only worse.

Sack up, be a man, and grow a ‘stache.

Oh, and may I suggest after spending some time with your Tickle Buddy for a month, maybe consider becoming all that is man and growing a full beard? You’ll never feel more like a proper Paul Bunyon than when you have a face full of fur.

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