September 28, 2012

Next Year’s iPhone 6 Will Be Totally Flexible, Brah

Great news for all who found the twice as fast and newly redesigned iPhone 5 a complete and utter bore!

We may have just begun iPhone 6 (or will it be iPhone 5S? Oh god, it’s started again!) rumor season with a nice little peek into what Apple may announce in a just under a year’s time. Start saving your pennies, Apple fans, because this phone will finally deliver your every hope, dream, whimsy and erotic sex-nightmares to life!

The main complaint during this year’s launch festivities (well, save the whole Maps fiasco) was that this iPhone looks a little too much like the old iPhone. “Apple used to be an innovative company!” critics wailed. “Now they’re only trying to play catch up!” others exclaimed.

“This never would have happened if Steve Jobs were alive!” grunted short-sighted imbeciles.

The next iPhone will finally and completely satiate these naysayers with innovative design choices such as Flexible Display, a fully tactile keyboard and even a concave screen!

According to a post from Unwired View, a patent application was filed today by Apple including all of these new, market shifting features. Look out, Samsung! Apple’s gunning for you with laser microphones with speakers built right in to the panel!

I can hear your salivation glands kicking in now, getting ready to cup your little concave iPhone 6 5S whatever in your greedy little hands and lap up every bit of sweet, fall-flavored goodness.

You might be asking yourself, “Self, why in the world would Apple do a flexible display? I mean I want one, yes…but why?”

According to the patent filing, “The internal component may be an output device such as a speaker that transmits sound through the flexible display or an actuator that deforms the display in a way that is sensed by a user. The internal component may also be a microphone or pressure sensor that receives sound or pressure information through the flexible display. Structural components may be used to permanently or temporarily deform the flexible display to provide tactile feedback to a user of the device.”

In other words, this flexible display will be totally awesome, dude.

This thing will be able to turn itself into a speaker, pumping the sound directly FROM THE SCREEN rather than being ported to those new, stupid speaker grilles on the bottom.

But what if you get a text in the middle of your party-for-one dance party? The screen will actually morph BACK to a regular flat screen, then raise a set of full, tactile keys for your typing pleasure. Hallelujah! And don’t worry about looking like a reality television star when you use your phone as an actual phone. (they still work this way, you know…) Since this display is flexible, it will be able to hide a FRIGGIN LASER behind the screen to measure the vibrations in your voice and capture every word you say. EVERY WORD.

Now, all we’re waiting on is for Apple to move these ideas from the patent filing stage and into our jeans!

Yes, in the very near future, maybe in as little as 11 months, we may be getting the iPhone we’ve always wanted. It’ll be like the proverbial Mary Poppins fun bag o’ tricks, capable of packing everything inside a device that sure as hell better be slimmer than the current iPhone 5. Who knew a flexible display would be the one answer to our every desire and fantasy?

Yes, no longer will Wall Street be disappointed that Apple missed their mark by selling no less than 5 million phones in 3 days. No longer will critics pan the iPhone for being only twice as fast as the previous iPhone and still faster than Galaxy S III. Yes, next year’s going to be great: A veritable age of reason.

Image Credit: Peter Sobolev / Shutterstock

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