November 14, 2012

Pepsi Poop Will Make You Attractive To Sexy Asian Women

Just as with any form of self-discipline, dieting is no fun. It’s much easier and much more satisfying (at least in the immediate sense) to give into whatever whim strikes you in the moment.

Extra cheese pizza with 10 kinds of pork? Yes, please!

A pan of brownies covered in ice cream and chocolate sauce? Scrummy!

A Tex-Mex feast complete with a pile of beans covered in queso served with margaritas? Muy Caliente!

Of course these are the extreme examples of things to avoid, foods everyone know they should steer clear from if they’ve decided to diet. But what about those other foods, the less than obvious or the tiny indulgences used to get us through the day?

What about diet sodas?

Pepsi has just announced a new soda for those who want to shed a few pounds but don’t want to fully dedicate themselves to the matter and give up harmful sodas. This new soft drink comes with a heaping spoonful of dextrin, a soluble fiber which Pepsi claims works as a fat blocker.

This new concoction, called Pepsi Special, launches today, but only in Japan.

It turns out they do things a little different in Japan….for instance, Pepsi already has a few interesting soda concepts which they sell in Japan, such as a strawberry milkshake flavored beverage and a Salty watermelon soda.

In America, diet sodas are normally marketed towards women, with the exception of that Dr, Pepper 10 nonsense, which featured ads of war-ragged men driving a Jeep amongst explosions and murderous detractors.

No, in Japan Pepsi is marketing this beverage towards what is known as “Salarymen,” younger, 30-something businessmen who are concerned with their health.

A commercial for the new, slim-making Pepsi shows a man canoodling with a woman in a pizza outfit. Soon after, he’s caught by another woman in a burger outfit who is apparently quite upset to find him with another fatty food.

My Japanese isn’t what it used to be…

The message? Now Japanese Salarymen don’t have to choose! Just keep eating your Americanized Burgers and Pizza and the Pepsi Special (now with Dextrin!) will latch onto the fat, bind it up tightly inside your guts, and wash it away next time you evacuate!

Oh, and you will evacuate sooner rather than later, says Haylie Pomroy, a nutritionist interviewed by ABC Good Morning America.

They’re even calling it “Pepsi Poop,” a cute little name for a cute little Japanese bowel movement. Dextrin is a soluble fiber, after all, so such a reaction should have been expected. Taking the message to the streets, one GMA anchor even asked an American woman holding a Starbucks Frappuccino if she’d be willing to try such a fat-blocking soda. “If it was proven to work…” she replied. Sounds like the right demographic for a launch in America.

A fat-blocking soda from Pepsi does sounds odd, however they aren’t the first to try it. Kirin, the maker of Japanese beer Kirin Ichiban, makes their own version called Kirin Mets Cola. This product launched last spring and apparently has done so well, Pepsi launched Special to directly compete with the beer maker’s soda.

There’s no word yet on if the product will ever be available Stateside, though given the fact that the FDA doesn’t take too kindly to sodas pretending to be healthy, it’s likely the product won’t make it to our shelves.

Which is too bad…Pepsi could probably make a ton of cash from the same set of people who wear special oblong shoes to tone their butts and eat entire plates of bacon in order to shed a few pounds.

Image Credit: Photos.com

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