Science Rocks! Squeeze Boobs To Prevent Breast Cancer
September 4, 2013

Science Rocks! Squeeze Boobs To Prevent Breast Cancer

According to the best scientific study ever, squeezing breasts can stop malignant breast cancer cells.

Consent is still required, ladies and gentlemen, so don’t go running around claiming to be a cancer-fighting crusader as you enter the elevator at work tomorrow morning.

Times Live reports, “that laboratory experiments showed that applying physical pressure to the cells guided them back to a normal growth pattern,” speaking about applying pressure to breasts.

Scientists aren’t saying that groping boobies is the end-all be-all preventative measure for stopping breast cancer, but their research shows it could provide insights into new treatments.

And auto-groping bras won’t be in the lingerie section any time soon; other scientists have already proved that wearing bras doesn’t keep breasts from sagging, but I digress.

Some pubescent pimple-faced kid just gained some leverage on getting to second base. For that, I apologize, but don’t shoot the messenger.

“People have known for centuries that physical force can influence our bodies,” said Gautham Venugopalan, a leading member of the research team at the University of California in Berkeley.

“When we lift weights, our muscles get bigger. The force of gravity is essential to keeping our bones strong. Here we show that physical force can play a role in the growth – and reversion – of cancer cells.”

During the study, malignant breast epithelial cells were grown in a gel that was injected into flexible silicone chambers, so the scientists could apply compression during the first stages of cell growth, basically smashing the cells.

Over time, the smashed malignant cells began to grow in a more normal way. Normal growth equals no cancer; it’s pretty much that simple.

“Once the breast tissue structure was formed the cells stopped growing, even when the compressive force was removed. Non-compressed cells continued to display the haphazard and uncontrolled growth that leads to cancer.”

“Malignant cells have not completely forgotten how to be healthy; they just need the right cues to guide them back to a healthy growth pattern,” said Venugopalan, a doctoral student.

Here’s the spoiler: breast squeezing will probably not be promoted as a cure or preventative measure. I can hear the dreams dying, and again I say, don’t shoot the messenger.

“Compression, in and of itself, is not likely to be a therapy,” said Daniel Fletcher, professor of bioengineering at Berkeley and faculty scientist at the Berkeley Lab, in a statement. “But this does give us new clues to track down the molecules and structures that could eventually be targeted for therapies.”

It’s a double-edged sword, honestly. The bad news is the excuse we’d been thinking of using to persuade our wives into some extra second-base action is invalid. Fail. The good news is our daughters are safe from the manipulative, pubescent, pimple face kid aforementioned.

In all seriousness, though, National Breast Cancer Awareness Month is right around the corner, so share this info with everyone with boobies, and be a real hero!

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