February 19, 2013
Scoring The Date (Part 1)
In my first blog in my series on dating, I explained why dating is healthy. Often we have misconceptions of a date and we miss the actual point of why dating is healthy for us. Now that we have our mindset in the right direction, it’s time to talk about how to land the date.
These days it’s not uncommon for a woman to ask a man out on a date, but statistics show that the average woman wants the man to take the initiative. It has always been this way and it will always be this way, so I’m going to focus on the mindset a man should have in approaching a woman.
Of course no two people are alike and there are exceptions to every rule, but I’m going to paint with a broad brush since human nature in this regards is usually consistent.
Beautiful women are often asked out on dates, so just being approached and being asked the question isn’t always enough. A man needs to appear confident, unique, and show his value on why he is different and why they are deserving of a date.
The first mistake many men make in approaching a woman, we’ll say at a bar, club, or social event, is they deliver the usual lines like, “You’re so hot,” and “What do you do for a living?” Women hear these questions all through the night when they go out; numerous men filled with liquid courage tell them over and over again how hot they are and are asked the mundane small talk questions If you do this, you will be as boring as the other guys are.
If you want to tell a woman how hot she is, do it in the middle of the day, while sober, in an environment when they are not used to being approached often; this will show your sincerity. To digress, let’s get back to the club or social event where you make your approach in this scenario.
I first have to make a few assumptions before I talk about the general approach. I assume one would have good hygiene and be nicely dressed. This could even mean a t-shirt and jeans, as long as they don’t look like they just came out off the hamper. Clean shoes are a must. I don’t mean expensive and new, so much as not dirty and tattered. And remember, smiling is more impressive than trying to look like a hard-ass, which unfortunately so many young men do in a social environment like a club.
There are three common scenarios the would-be date will be in when you first see her; by herself, with her friends, or surrounded by admirers trying to woo her. Let’s first take the scenario of her being by herself. As soon as you see her, you should approach her. The best way to do this is to come at the right angle, literally. If you approach her from behind, let’s say to tap her shoulder, she will be surprised and taken back, missing the first few things you say to her and you risk her being thrown off, perhaps to shrug you off right from the get-go. If you walk straight up to her, this is too confrontational and intimidating, no romance there. But if you walk up to her at an angle, where she sees you approaching from her peripheral, then this will give her time to register your approach. This also gives her time to become excited, nervous, possibly even giving her butterflies; which just may be matching yours at this moment.
At this point it is very important to remember, be yourself. Don’t worry about bullshit lines, this is disingenuous. Most women are very smart and will recognize the smell of your BS a mile away. Just create small talk, nothing clichéd or too serious. Think about small talk you would have with your friends, as opposed to the stranger in an elevator. Start building rapport with her, and do your very best to make her laugh. Everyone loves someone who has a sense of humor and makes them laugh; if they don’t, they suck and stop talking to them immediately. While you are talking to them, no matter how beautiful they are, remember you’re a prize too. It’s a two-way street, you may feel special once you get her number or land a date with her, but she will feel this way too, if you understand that you are also a prize.
Once you have built up rapport for three to five minutes, it is time to man-up and do the deed, not that deed, the deed of getting the date. This may seem kind of quick, but that’s the point. Mystery is what makes a date so exciting. If you charm her, make a good impression, make her laugh, catch her intrigue, then she will want to talk or see you again. If you end up talking to a woman at the bar for two hours, and she already knows everything about you, then you run the risk of her losing interest. This isn’t done consciously as much as subconsciously. She may not even directly realize why she has lost interest, but if the mystery is gone, then the attraction may have subsided as well. There are exceptions to this rule, but it’s better to play it safe.
So here you are, five minutes into meeting Ms. Awesome and you want to ask her out on a date or get a number to lead to a date; so what do you say? Keep it light and breezy. This whole experience should be light, entertaining, and breezy. Do not say, “Want to go out on a date?” This is a whole other topic, but often people relate the word “date” to something negative if they haven’t had the best of experiences on said dates.
Many times men are so determined to call a situation by a label, in this case “date,” that they end up shooting themselves in the foot. For more information on the neural net of emotions and word associations that our brain makes, visit my book, When Jonathan Cried For Me. The truth is, you can call it whatever you want, and it will be what it will be. Often I have found myself on a night out on the town with a young woman and we have called it a date, and we never saw each other again. Other times I have hung out with a female acquaintance or friend and by the end of the night we were holding hands. With this being said, get over the labels, and don’t call it a date; hardly call it anything.
Just try to make whatever you say light and breezy with a little bit of humor, “I have to run, but we should talk again soon because I just found out how to live forever. I don’t have time to tell you now.” The worst case scenario if the humor isn’t picked up is to just call yourself out on the fail and this should cause her to chuckle, “I see you didn’t find that one funny, now we have to talk again so I have one more chance to make you laugh.
At this point you want to ask her for her number, if she hesitates, don’t bat an eye and give her yours. If she is interested, she will call you; but asking her for her digits is a more confident approach which women like. Don’t mention how you want to hangout or go to dinner. At this point, it is assumed why you are asking her for her number or giving her yours. Reiterating what she already knows is a subconscious way of putting pressure on the situation.
In the next blog I will discuss how to get the attention of someone who is surrounded by friends and also surrounded by other men trying to get her attention.
Image Credit: auremar / Shutterstock