September 27, 2012

Seriously? Alcohol Enemas??

Attention college freshman:

Let’s have a chat.

Surely I’m not the first one in recent months to sit you down with a look of sincere, heartfelt concern, alerting you of the many temptations and opportunities which await you in the great, wide “Real World.”

Your family members, coaches, teachers and creepy boss have no doubt been all-too willing to share with you their own personal experiences and hard-won wisdom from their collegiate years. Yes, we learn a great deal from years 18 to 22, (or 24, if you’re doing it right) and half of the point of going through this learning process is being sure to share it with whoever you can.

But don’t let this over abundance of wisdom tune my words out, young fish, for I have a piece of knowledge for you that you’ll likely never hear from anyone other than your senile aunt.

Alcohol, when used in moderation, (and when used after age 21) is a fantastic thing. It’s delicious, it lubricates the wheels of society and it can be the glue to a burgeoning group of friends. (Again, when you’re of age.)

Another fun fact about alcohol: It’s best when taken orally. Sure, the Mythbusters have done their share of testing other uses for the stuff, but by and large, drinking is the best way to approach any brew or spirit.

Now that we’re approaching October, you’ve been in college for a few months now and have likely already seen your fair share of battles. Hopefully I’ve caught you before you let your friends talk you into something truly stupid.

I know you’re eager to get out there, to grab the world by the tail and tie it up in a little bow, experiencing thoughts and feelings and euphorias you’ve never felt before. It’s all a glorious part of the experience. What’s important to remember, of course, that you can still enjoy the college life and still remain ladies and gentlemen. Vodka, for instance, should not be inserted in any orifice other than the mouth. Likewise, beer should exclusively be allowed entrance to the mouth, and not, as your dumb friends might recommend, your butt.

I know, I feel odd having to explain this, too. I mean, it makes sense, right? Drinks go in the mouth, waste escapes through the butt…hopefully 5th grade health taught you this much.

You’d think this would go without saying, but apparently some kids in Tennessee thought it would be a blast to give one another alcoholic enemas. That’s right, drinking with your butt. This isn’t some episode of South Park, here. This is real life.

One of these students, a 20-year old member of Pi Kappa Alpha was hospitalized with a blood alcohol level of .40 after taking in alcohol through this rectum.

Now, some of your friends may come up to you and say things like “Hey! Let’s have fun and get drunk off our butts with our butts!” and to them I’d like you to say, “You’re stupid.”

That’s all that needs to be said. Sure, they’ll tell you that you can “really feel it” by sticking a rubber hose up your keister and having your frat brothers inject alcohol straight into your system, bypassing the liver’s function by getting alcohol directly into your blood stream. To these people, I’d like you to suggest they perform unspeakable acts to close members of their family. Maybe throw in a middle finger as well, you know, for flair.

For generations upon generations, young people have scared the hell out of previous generations with their nutty antics. It’s the way of the world. However, your generation is at the disadvantage of coming along so late in our history. All the truly great ideas have already been used up, leaving your generation with the unspeakable “butt chugging” and “Justin Bieber.”

I don’t want you to give up, though. Sure, go ahead and shock us. Scare us half to death. It’s part of the experience. But please, for the love of good beer everywhere, keep it out of your butt.

Image Credit: Masson / Shutterstock

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