Professor Badass
May 5, 2013

Takarin’s Best Sex Tips

Editor’s Note: The following post is SATIRE

It’s quite peculiar how often I get letters from readers telling me the news I’ve heard all too much and pleading for my help. Hundreds of women, unsatisfied with both their sex lives and how their parents view their sexual partner. Nowadays its harder than ever to find a man that can satisfy your sexual appetite without those pesky parents of yours reading you the century old riot act “He’s just in it for the sex you know; if he was any sort of a gentleman he’d wait until marriage, your father and I waited until marriage and it was the best sex we ever had.” But enough teasing (we’ll cover that later). Lets get right to the juicy details on how to spice up your romance and win your parents approval!

Alright ladies, its time to setup for the most fulfilling night you’ll experience and setup is CRUCIAL to making it a once in a lifetime event. First step is to ready your apartment/house, so tidy up the place a bit (this means stack all our previous issues up into a neat pile). Next, to help set the mood, light some candles and lower the lights down to a sensual glow; a good reference is the bar you met your man at. Now, for the most crucial part, getting both your parents and him in the same room. There are many ways do this, but the simplest way is to send him a scandalous photo of yourself with the time of the meeting, while simultaneously telling your parents to come meet him. Now that the date is set up and the party is there, its time to spice things up!

First start by occasionally rubbing your leg up against his thigh while making eye contact, and believe me when I say the more intentional you can make it the better. Make him feel as if he is going to get some action, but leave him guessing as to when he’ll get it. After your parents have grilled him for a short bit on everything including plans for his future and plans to wed you, pull him aside into the kitchen and slowly start pleasuring him. Don’t slip out of your chair just yet, you still have work to do. Next take of a layer of clothing (panties work best) and use it as a blindfold as you wrap your arms and legs around his back, sliding his manhood into you while he holds you up. Use this opportunity to guide him into the dining room and let him ravage you on the table in front of your parents, and make sure to make lots of noise so they fully understand that your partner sexually satisfies you.

But surely we must be joking when we say that this will increase your sexual pleasure. I mean who wants to have their parents watch them get hot and raunchy with their lover? Actor Jennifer Lawrence stated in an exclusive interview with us that she not only has had sex in front of her parents but has even let them participate, giving her and her boyfriend much warranted advice on how to do it right.

And with that you’re all set to get out there and absolutely blow your lovers mind! Because remember, sex is a formulated science of calculated positions and intervals to achieve maximum sexual potency in order to prove ones worth regardless of worthless things like love and passion. We can’t be wrong about this because millions of people read these half-baked ideas we chalk together monthly from the common sense pile and old 70s porno clips. If this isn’t clear enough proof that sex isn’t being spontaneous and wild or the awfully dreaded fear of asking their lover what they’re into and being open minded, then what is?

Image Credit: Screen Gems / Olive Bridge Entertainment

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Plusone Digg Reddit Stumbleupon Email