February 1, 2013

Use An App To Get Sex? You’re Doing It Wrong!

Let’s start here:

There exists such a thing as an app called “Bang With Friends.”

As you might expect, the app is all about facilitating coitus between friends, because that’s something our society needs.

(No no, settle down, Harper…don’t get angry yet.)

This app is meant to “confidentially” bring two amorous and heterosexual Facebook friends together in the throes of lust. Of course, it’s only confidential if your friends don’t sign up for the service, which totally ruins the point of having an app act as your digital wingman.

Continuing on….

That “heterosexual” thing? Yeah, for whatever reason, the app only allows heterosexual hook-ups at the time being, although those Facebook users who declined to list their gender also show up in the list of DTF Facebook friends also using this terrible, horrible app.

Let us begin.

After conducting as much research as I felt comfortable doing here at this local coffee shop, (where there are, at present, 5 different bible studies underway within eyeshot of my computer screen) I have decided that Bang With Friends is built for three kinds of people: Idiots, cowards and college students. (Although, to be fair, college students could be lumped into the “idiot” category.)

Here’s how it works: Little Peter Too Cool decides he’s looking for a casual hook-up with someone he knows well enough to friend on Facebook. (This is an entirely different caveat unto itself.)

Peter TC logs into this app using his Facebook credentials and is then presented with a list of his female or non-gender specific Facebook friends. It should be noted here that Peter is looking at profile pictures, pictures that his friends likely weren’t expecting to be used in such a manner.

Ol’ Petey then selects the friend(s) he’d like to “know,” and that’s it.

The app does nothing until one of the lucky ladies also decides to sign up with the service. Should the stars align in Peter’s favor and one of his selections also finds something special about him, the app will then send an email to both parties, alerting them that they want to have sex with one another, but are too stupid or too immature to actually speak this intention to one another.

The email, by the way, reads as follows:

“Hey there, sexy! You’ve got a banging’ match! Your friend (insert name here) wants to bump uglies with you! Send a message now from Facebook and get some from your new friend with benefits :) This [@#$%] brought to you by BangWithFriends.com.”

It’s no Shakespearean love sonnet, but apparently it’s enough to get a 20-something college student in the mood.

Now do you understand why I called them idiots?

At best, this app acts like your best friend in Junior High who promised not to tell the boy or girl you liked that you liked them, but then went behind your back and told other kids, resulting in word getting back to the boy or girl of your dreams.

I’m not bitter.

The app won’t tell the person you have your eyes on that you’d like to get it on with them (unless the feelings are reciprocated, of course) but it’s easy enough to tell which of your friends have signed up for the app. Want to find out which of your friends are truly in a bad way? Go halfway through the sign up process. Once you get to the point where the app asks for permission to use your information, the app will tell you which of your friends have signed up. At this point, you’ll be able to see just how slim pickings it is out there in the world of Bang With Friends (or maybe not, who knows…) and rescind your intentions.

It is sad that the app only allows for heterosexual connections at this point in time. As a society, I’d like to believe that we’ve moved on from this kind of default assumption.

However, I’d also like to believe that, as a society, we’re not yet to the point where we need an app to do all our dirty work.

As technology progresses, we’ve found it more comfortable (or is it convenient?) to place apps and services between us and the world.

It’s easy for us to go to the local store and pick up whatever provisions we need, yet we use Amazon to have it delivered to us in 2 days.

We’re perfectly capable of picking up a phone, calling a friend and meeting them for coffee to catch up. Instead, we place Facebook in between us, either to catch up on-the-go or reach out to these friends via Facebook Message.

Do we really need to use an app to go fishing for foreplay?

I may be old fashioned, but I have few qualms about a casual hook-up, providing both parties understand one another’s intentions. (I do wonder how often this happens, however…)

That disclaimer aside, I have no qualms suggesting that anyone using Bang With Friends for any purpose other than creeping out your close friends is a sad, sad coward…or college student.

For millions of years, the advancement of the human race has depended on our ability to attract sexual partners. The purpose of sex has changed throughout the years, but I believe the basal ability to attract a mate still exists deep within our DNA.

In a perfect world, if you can’t take a shower, run a comb through your hair, put on a clean shirt and walk outside of your dorm room long enough to find a potential partner, than you don’t deserve to experience the joy of sex.

But, the fact that Bang With Friends exists (and that it’s signing up 5 new “bangers” every minute) is proof that we don’t live in a perfect world.

The only acceptable use of this app, in my humble opinion, is to call out your friends who may have signed up for the service. I suggest going through the signup process, looking for your dumb and desperate friends, and then posting something on Facebook about how this friend has so little “game” that they need Facebook to get laid.

Is that mean? Yeah, it’s pretty terrible…but life needs consequences, I say, and being publicly called out is pretty good punishment.

Image Credit: Photos.com

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